Monday, April 23, 2007

I don't know how to stop it

I don't know how to stop this hurt, and I don't know how to live with it.  This shit just not funny anyway more.  I did this once, I don't know how I'm going to do it again.  It like rolling that rock up that mountain and having the damn thing roll back down again every time you are near the top.

Work was horrible last night.  I kept feeling like I was going to be sick, but nothing ever happened.  At one point my boss wanted to send me home because of the way I was looking (and we were already a few people short, so you can imagine). 

I felt bad being around all those people who expected me to be in a good mood because I was fresh from a vacation, but there was no way I could be.  I couldn't get 'okay' there.  I just kept feeling worse and worse.

I came home and pretty much went straight to bed.  I woke up around one o'clock this afternoon and made myself go back to bed until five.  I knew if I didn't I would be up for the rest of the day and then all night tonight again. 

It's just bad all around when you feel like this.  All those things that used to make you happy just bring you down even more.  The memories will kill you.  The self-doubt is just as bad.  I can't help but ask, "What did I do wrong?  What did I do to deserve this?"  I feel like a complete failure, and I'm embarrassed that I didn't see this coming.  Oh, I had my doubts sometimes, but I never really gave in to them. 

In the long run the self-doubt is what will get me the worst.  As much as I try to avoid it I'm going to keep second guessing myself, and asking what I did to fuck up so bad.  It took so long to stop doing it last time, and it made me feel terrible.  But it's hard to come to except that there's nothing you can or could have done, even if you already know it.

I'm feeling a little bit better right now.  I guess writing helps.  It always did.  It's good to get this shit out and this is the only place I've got.  That's one of the worst parts of it too.  The one person I could talk to about my problems isn't there anymore. 

I've just got to shake this feeling of hopelessness.  Yesterday I did that okay until I left school.  A friend in class came and sat next to me and we talked and flirted.  It was nice.  She even bought me dinner at the campus cafeteria.  We talked for a couple of hours and the subject of my problem almost never came up, which  was good.  Unfortunately, as soon as I was in the car on my way home, guess where my thoughts went? 

Every time I have free moment to think, here it comes.  And that's all I've got at work.  I used to be able to listen to my iPod and distract myself with some music, but I can't even do that now thanks to WalMart's new policies.  If I can stay distracted I'm okay.  But the minute I'm not focused on something, I'm screwed. 

Reading has helped the most, I guess.  It's still there when I read, but only in the back of my mind.  It's better than dwelling on it.  I just don't want to slip into that void where most of my existence is in my imagination.  That's just escapism, but maybe I need an escape.

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