Tuesday, August 8, 2006

What You Have To Believe to Be a Republican

I could care less how you vote.  That's your business.  But this is funny...

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary.
Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's
daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him,
and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade
with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest
national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-
national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without
The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in
speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then
demand their cooperation and money.
Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing
health care to all Americans is socialism. HMOs and insurance
companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but
creationism should be taught in schools.
A president lying about an extra-marital affair is an impeachable
offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which
thousands die is solid defense policy.
Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution,
which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but
George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a
Conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers
for your recovery.
What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but
what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
If you don't send it to at least 10 other people, we're likely to be
stuck with more Republicans in '06 and '08.


autumnsavril said...

Hooray!!  I loved this.  I'd love to see a similar deal for the Democrats (even though I'm Democrat, through and through).

Anyway, yeah . . .  Again, I really loved this!


jhileb said...

funny, but at the same time actually and sadly becoming more true than satire.