Wednesday, March 8, 2006

On My Mind

I've been busy as hell lately.  Okay, so that a lie.  I've been sleeping a lot and sitting on my ass doing nothing.  I confess.  I don't know what else to do.  I want to do something, but every time I do I feel that it's just not enough.  Not quite what I need.  So I'm left wondering what it is I need or want.

I got my income tax check last week.  And my grandfather decided that instead of paying him some money I owe him I could just give him a computer I am trying to sell instead.  So I spent most of that money.  About three hundred went into a PS2 and a couple of games.  I was in dire need of something to do besides sitting around or sleeping.  Close to another three went into groceries and O'Charley's.  You don't know how much you'll miss some things until you have to do without them.  The food has probably been the best part of the extra money.  Funny, that.

The rest I just used for this and that as it came up.  Maybe I should have done something else with it.  I don't know.  I'm getting things under control, which is nice. 

I've got to take that computer to my grandfather tomorrow and while I'm there I'll see if I can convince him to help me take care of some other things.  It would be nice if he could...help.  That's all I want.  I need wiggle room and he can provide it. 

The urge to just sell everything, or almost everything, and just move somewhere and start over is growing within me.  I've read that there is in men a desire to wander, to never be tied down.  Well, it's in me.  I guess it's because I feel like those few things that were holding me to this place are gone.  My roots have been cut.  I get the feeling they won't be growing back. 

Life is odd for me right now.  It's so different from what it was even a year ago.  I knew where I was going then.  At least I thought I did.  Now I don't have a clue.  I don't even know what I want to do anymore.  There are things that pull at me, but not enough for me to do anything about it.  So I just keep trudging along. 

You know, I used to have a lot of hope for the future.  I was sure that things would always be moving forward to bigger and better things.  For a while they did, but now I feel like I'm stuck in some lonely in-between with no idea what to do. 

I feel like I'm at a crossroads with no sign and no idea what lies down either path.  I have to keep going, but I have no idea which way to go.  It's not really a choice at all.  The path I walk will be one I tread with no knowledge of where it leads or why I chose it.

That's terrifying in a real way.  It's also a bit exciting.  I am the pioneer of my own life.  The author of my own biography. Hell, maybe I'll try making my own trail.  It would be nice to walk a bit off the beaten path, so to speak. 

1 comment:

all4eyez said...

HAHAHAHAHA
LOVE IT!!!
"Ive been busy lately,,,,well no thats a lie - ive been sleeping and sitting on my ass."
LOVE IT , friggin hilarious and believe you , me - quite common.

ahhh tax returns and you got to keep the money
Rock On!
That was a good deal , well at least I think so.
And - it gave you something to do!!!
YEAAA!

"You dont know how much youll miss some things until you are without them."
- You said THAT right , and HOW!

Good luck with your grandfather , I hope all will work out.

I understand what you mean about thinking of selling everything and moving on....maybe that would be a good thing...?

I know you feel like you dont know what to do and you dont have a choice but look at it in a different light....
You are single and the world is in your hands....
If you think about it -
You really can do whatever it is you set your mind to do.
I believe in that.
Nothing is holding you down from doing whatever.
Right?

Keep your head up & Keep walking....