Friday, January 6, 2006

Why do I feel like such an ass?

Last night I heard something that made me laugh my ass off.  Now bear in mind only the first two sentences should be taken seriously.  The last one is to make you laugh, so that you can feel a little better when you are not feeling too good.  It's from one of the guys on Dallas SWAT, a new show on A&E:  "If you love something, let it go.  If it comes back, it's yours.  If it doesn't, hunt it down and kill it."

So I was in a fairly decent mood after having my first good laugh in a while.  And then Stephanie called.  The conversation went something like this:

Me:  "Hello?"

Her:  "Hi.  I'm sorry I'm calling, but I needed to talk to you.  It's business."

Me:  "No, that's okay." 

Her:  "So are you going to drop those classes we were taking together?"

Me...a worried...:  "I already did."

Her:  "You already did?"

Me:  "Yeah."

Her:  "Okay, bye."

Me:  "No wait-"


Fuck.  I tried calling her right back.  She seemed a little upset, but I wasn't sure since I couldn't see her.  But it wasn't her usual goodbye either.  She didn't give me a chance to say anything else.

So I tried calling her right back.  I wanted to give her a little more explanation.  The first time the call wouldn't connect.  It's happened before when I tried calling her, so I tried again.  It rang a couple of times and then it sounded like someone answered and hung right back up.  Now I was even more worried.  I called again.  This time the call went right to her voicemail.  I left her a message...a long one...telling her I needed to talk to her...that I was going to have to drop one of the classes because I couldn't afford it anyway...that I want nothing more than to spend every minute with her that I can...I stuttered a little bit...I finally just told her "Please, please, just call me back in the morning."

I have not heard from her yet.  I'm worried that I won't.  I'm not even sure if she was upset.  I mean, for all I know, she wasn't upset.  I don't really know.  I just know I've got to talk to her. 

Weak?  Yeah, but I've got to try.  This is the one person I'm terrified of hurting.  I need to know if I did.  And if I did, I need to try and explain.  The reason I need to do that is because that's what I want when I get hurt, an explanation.  Few people give you one, and that hurts worse. 

Maybe I'm making a mistake.  I don't know.  I almost want to beg at least one of the teachers to let me in the class.  Stupid, huh?

In all honesty, I'm not sure if I want to go to school at all this semester, but I don't know what happens to my student status if I don't, cause I won't be going this summer either.  I don't know.


1 comment:

autumnsavril said...

Okay, I hate to point out the obvious, but she deliberately hung up on you because she was mad--and deliberately has been avoiding your calls, which is messed up.  If she didn't want you to drop those classes, maybe she should have spoken more seriously with you before.

You told her about your need for some space and time away from her, and she told you that she understood.  Did she expect you to say it and then not follow through or something?  Jesus, don't any of these people get a clue after all the talks you've had with everyone?  This is hard for you, but no one seems to really understand that, and to be honest, it's really pissing me off.

BUY A CLUE, guys.  Your friend is in pain, where are your allegiences?