Friday, January 6, 2006

Waking up at night always equals a bad mood...

I don't feel so hot.  I'm feeling fucked up emotionally, and I think that is screwing me up physically as well.  Waking up at night doesn't help.  Nor does the fact that I'm worried. 

Worried.  I always worry.  It grinds on you.  It's not a very good state of mind.  But there it is, just the same.  I'm worried that I hurt Stephanie.  I'm worried we aren't going to be friends like we used to be.  I'm worried about everything.  I've lost so much recently that I never wanted to lose. 

I don't know how to move on from this.  I really don't.  I don't even know where to start.  I have no idea.  Every time I make plans to do something I usually just shrug my shoulders when the time comes and watch tv.  I've got to break that habit.

I really need some happiness in my life right now.  A lot of it.  I just don't know how to get it.  I need something to get my mind off of all this shit.  I wish I had some money so I could take a vacation.  I don't know if it would help, but maybe seeing some of my family in California would. 

I don't know what to do.  I don't know where, when, why, or what.  I'm barely holding it together.  I almost broke down at work last night.  It's mindless work, so all I do all night is dwell on all my bad memories and thoughts.  I try not too, but even when I think of better times I remember that they went bad in the end. 

I need to catch a break.  A big one.  If I don't soon, I don't know how I'm going to keep going on.  I think that more than anything I am afraid right now.  I'm afraid of the dark and the loneliness.  I don't want to be alone anymore.  Almost makes me want to join the army.  I'd almost never be alone then.  Ha.  Fat chance.

I've got to get someone new into my life.  I have too.  This alone shit's just not going to cut it.  I'm going to go nuts or something. 

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