Sunday, January 1, 2006

So much for my wonderful friends....

I find it hard to believe I'm even taking the time to do this.  Sad?  I feel devastated.  I feel like a small town after a tornado goes through it and wipes out half it's population.

Everything was going fine.  I was taking it easy on the drinks.  I was having a good time.  I'm sitting in the living room.  And then Jeremy and Stephanie leave.  Someone makes a crack about them going off to have sex.  It's giggled about.  I shrug it off.  And then John runs with it and takes the opportunity to start talking about their sex life.  I managed to rush out of the room when John got to the part about what a screamer Stephanie is.  I took a couple of shots and then went outside, put in my earbuds in and started to listening to heavy metal on my mp3 player.  That usually helps. 

It didn't.  John actually had the gall to walk outside and say, "Don't do this tonight."  I was trying to be okay, and not ruin everyone's fun.  Some chick I barely know, Amy, was more of a friend to me than he was.  She talked to me for a while, told me she knew a little of what I was going through and that I would be okay one day, but that in the meantime it would hurt.  But that I had to let her go.

I started to feel a little better.  I had a few more shots.  Started shooting fireworks.  I was letting bottle rockets shoot off in my hand.  It's black now.  I was having fun.  But it was still there, eating at me..."We thought Lacey was loud, but Stephanie...!"  on and on and on and over and over and over in my head.  I drank some more and then went out to a tree in the yard.  I put my back to it with some music going and started crying.  And I cried for a long time.  I just wanted something to make the pain go away. 

So I started crawling toward my car.  I was so thoroughly trashed at this point that I couldn't even crawl very well, just push myself up a little and fall in the general direction I wanted to go.  But I kept going.  I knew there was a .45 automatic in my front seat and it would make all the pain go away.  Cliche, but true.

Then I guess someone noticed me crawling toward around in the yard.  I remember John sayiing something about "We've been looking for you, where've you been?"  Horseshit.  Someone asked, "Where's Robert?" and someone replied, "I don't know."  That was the extent of their looking. 

They threw me in the backseat of my car.  They took me home.  They handed me a trash can after tossing me on my couch.  And then they all left.  I cried some more.  I threw up a lot.  I needed someone with me.  No one stayed.  Right now I have the shakes.  It's not cold.  I hear thats I sign of mild alcohol poisoning.  I have to work tonight.

I don't care.  I'm going to sit down with my .45 and think things over.  If you don't hear from me again...well, I'm sorry.  But a man was only built to handle so much pain.


jhileb said...

very sad tale.  wonderful writing i felt your pain.  seriously.  

i'm glad your still with us, but you know suicide is not the answer.  this is all there is like it or not.  if you pull that leads to nothing.  okay, maybe it leads to another life or afterlife, but are you willing to take that chance?  no, life IS harsh and cruel...but your a strong kid and you'll be fine.

to clarify........ i can't tell if your being "poetic" in your writing on possible suicide or serious??  if your being serious...i mean serious, serious...then you need some help.  sometimes a person can only take so much strain and weight of life on their shoulders and then they can't take anymore.  when that happens they need support.  if your friends won't give it to you then i will or the volunteers on the suicide hotlines will.  most of these volunteers have lost friends and loved ones from it and they do care....even about you.  i look at it this way, it can't hurt to make that call...the worst that can happen is you wasted some time, right?

if your feeling this way again...i'm sure you feel better now, or at least i hope you do?  get is worth the risk vs. reward.  you've had some bad years and life hasn't been kind to you, but things change and you are already changing them by going to school and battling what life throws at you everyday.....


rampage841512 said...

I was serious when I was crawling through the grass.  But I was also seriously intoxicated.  So I got rid of the booze as soon as I could.  I get to crazy when I drink the hard stuff.  It's time to stop.  

As for the rest, I think I was just being dramatic.  I'm too afraid to kill myself.  I'm terrified I'll hurt someone, and I'm also terrified no one will care.  It sucks, but it keeps me going.  

I've got to make some changes in my life, and I'm trying to do that.  It's a painful process, but I don't think I have any other choice.  I'm too damned stubborn to give up.  Spite will keep me alive if nothing else.  I think I just need a new path.

jhileb said...

not good to hear that you were serious.  this is very sad and i hope you will get help if you need it in the future.  this struggle of life is worth the ride.  although good to hear that your still planning on staying around until your natural time comes.  i'll bet you'll be missed more than you realize.

yes, changing paths is always good.  i hope the turn off the path you've been on will be much more pleasant and rewarding than were you came from.  yep, stick to will get better eventually.  you'll see.........



all4eyez said...

God Damn IT!


This is INSANE!

OMG...I cannot believe they treated u in this manner - actually
well , now thinking of it again and again - I can believe it

You do need someone for you
Someone to be there - its human frickin nature , okay?

Obviously , your "friends" - wow...obviously they are too busy with their own shit to bother if you are happy or sad about what they are unconsiously putting you through...I guess they are just being hinest , not even thinking of being polite or on good terms....or maybe they feel you will just get over it

excuse my French okay? but , Fuck em!

you are smart , you know where its at - it will be who knows how long before you can find the right person to be by your side and fullfill that actual need - but it is gonna happen okay?
in the meantime , why stop your life?
If you stop now , you'll never find what youre looking for!!!
Come on now , think about it....

there are sooooo many people to so called "choose from" -

stop killing yourself
and start being happy

Damn that shit!

autumnsavril said...

Do WHAT?!  They crack jokes that they *know* are going to offend you, then tell you not to get upset, like you can help it or something?

That's it, what's John's last name and social security number?

Better yet, and easier to get, what's his address?

*I* would care if you died, and I'm not just saying it.  I'd miss your wit and charm, and your good humor when you're not upset.  I'd miss your fresh look on my ideas, and the way you argue with me when you disagree.  And I'd miss you teasing me 'cause I say stupid things sometimes.  I'd miss teasing you because *you* say stupid things sometimes.  I'd miss sharing similar interests and knowing I'm not the only person intelligent enough to see that idealists just aren't realistic.

I'd miss you a lot, and for that I hope you stick around.

Love bunches,