Monday, January 2, 2006

I'm treading water...

I just talked to Stephanie.  I tried to explain to her that I needed to put some distance between myself and everyone else.  I told her I needed to find a way to get over this.  To get better.  And that I can't do that the way I've been trying. 

She was completely understanding.  She almost seemed detached.  Not even the slightest bit upset.  I realize that I wanted her to be upset.  I wanted her to try and fight me on this.  Hell, maybe she is upset and she's just hiding it, or burying it inside.  I don't know. 

I feel like shit.   I'm so beat down with sadness.  I don't know what to do to make myself happy.  At work, I can shake it sometimes.  I can get out of the funk and laugh a little.  I need to be around people.  I just don't know where to go to do that. 

That's always been a problem for me.  I want to be around people I know and that I can talk too, but I'm so shy I have trouble meeting anyone in a room filled with people.  It's so much easier to stay at home and bury my nose in a book.  Then I can forget for a little while.

I need to go out and mingle with some people.  I need to join some crowds.  I need to be a part of something.  My friend Rob at work is trying to get me hooked up with his SCA friends.  I'm trying to get some different off days so I can go out more.  I am trying.  I'm just not getting anywhere.  I feel like I'm treading water. 

1 comment:

autumnsavril said...

Yay!  Parties, as far as I can tell, are a bad place to meet people.  I much prefer to go someplace (like this SCA you're talking about) where you automatically have something in common and already know exactly what to talk about.  Other conversations fall in line.

I think this is a spectaculiffic way to meet people, you should go!