Friday, January 6, 2006

I should have went to sleep hours ago...

But I was too busy watching tv...and kind of hoping for/dreading a call from Stephanie.  I kind of feel bad, and I kind of feel like throwing my hands up in the air.  I don't know what, if anything, this girl wants from me.  I can't just turn my feelings off.  She's got to realize that.  If she wants me as just a friend, she's going to have to live with that.  And with the fact that I need to deal with these feelings somehow.  I don't know how.  I wish I did.  But I don't.  I don't know anything.

I think I'm going to try sleeping in my own bed today.  I have not done that in over a week.  I do that sometimes, just crash on my couch.  I think it's my comfort, not comfortable zone.  I don't know.  Sometimes I get into my bed and I feel like a failure because I'm all alone.  Isn't that kind of funny?   Yeah, neurotic is probably a better word for it. 

So I'm nuts.  I've known that for a while.  I just don't have any idea what to do about it.  There is so much I want to do and experience in this world.  When I think of everything I've never done I get kind of depressed, but also kind of hopeful that I'll do those things.  I want to go sky diving.  Hell, I'd like to go base jumping. 

Best not to dwell on what I don't have.  It leads me down a place I don't feel like going right before bed.  Anyway, good night...or good day...whatever.  I need sleep.

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