Wednesday, January 4, 2006

Here's lookin' at you kid...

My mood is most definitely quiet.  But I'm also feeling sadness.  It's a lingering, bone deep kind of sadness too.  I can't seem to shake it.  And there is loss.  I get this sick feeling in my stomach every time I face the fact, even briefly, that Stephanie is with Jeremy and not me.  These things have always been there.  But this past week or so they've been brought back to the surface with a vengeance.

One thing that is really kind of getting me down is knowing that tomorrow would have been my first day of classes with Stephanie.  I honestly don't know if she even realizes I'm not going to be taking them with her.  I told her I needed distance.  She'll certainly get the point tomorrow.  I just hope it doesn't hurt her.  Yeah, I'm still worried about that, too.

I've been up all night doing laundry and watching Casablanca on dvd.  The clothes needed it, and I'm glad I did it.  I'm also glad I'm watching the movie.  I've just been starting it again when it's over because I'm never in the living room long enough to watch more than a few minutes at a time, and I don't feel like pausing it.  I like the background noise.  It's kind of comforting when you feel alone.  It's not what you need, but it's better than silence. 

I feel so empty and alone all the time.  That's the worst part of it all.  Emptiness and loneliness.  I really don't know what to do about that.  I'm not the type of person who meets people and makes friends easily.  I can't just walk up to someone and strike up a conversation.  I get real nervous and uncomfortable in new places that I've never been before because I feel like I don't belong.  Sometimes that goes away, and sometimes it doesn't. 

I don't really know where to go from here.  I want to do something, but I have no idea what that something is.  I'm starting to wish I would have taken a creative writing class instead of a philosophy class.  And I wish I could afford to take a full load of classes.  That's the only way I really know of to meet new people, to branch out. 

I've been trying to think of places to go so that I can interact with people and breath some new air into my life, but nothing I can think of is right.  I don't dance, so that rules out clubs.  I love movies, but that's not really a place you can meet and talk to people.  I guess I could check out the bar scene, but I'm not drinking any hard stuff anymore.

The bar scene actually seems like the best idea.  I just don't really want to start bar hopping alone.  For one thing, new social setting make me nervous as hell.  I am just not cut out for this shit. 

What I really need to find out, is how the fuck do I meet people like me?  I want to find some people I can go to movies with, check out bars with, hang out at my place with, etc. etc.  I just don't know how to find those people.  I've been told to check out bookstores.  Okay, I've tried that, but I never see people who are just browsing.  Everyone is in such a rush.  Same thing goes with the library. 

Fuck, I need someone to take me by the hand and lead me through this shit.  I never learned like most people seemed to in high school.  I never went out then.  I was a shut-in.  I had too many responsibilities at home, and most of my friends worked or where into things that I wasn't, like drugs.  I just never saw any of my friends outside of school, except for maybe at a football game.

This is so frustrating.  I feel like the new kid in school.  I always fucking do, and I hate it. 

1 comment:

autumnsavril said...

Ahhh, don't fuss over it too much.  I still feel like that, and I can be a social queen when I actually try at it.

Trying gets boring, mind you, but I can still do it.

I am about to fall asleep at the keyboard.

. . . zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz . . .