Monday, January 9, 2006

Does this make sense?

All I want to do is put my arms around her and never let her go.  I can't do that, and she doesn't want that.  Can't she understand that all I want in this world right now is her?  Can't she understand that that's what would make me happy?

And I know I can't get that.  I know I can't get that happiness.  And because I know that, I have to walk away.  I have to find the place where I can find my happiness.  She has found hers, and I'm glad for that.  I'm also terribly sad that it wasn't with me.  I think it's my turn to find happiness now.

Doesn't she understand that if I have to let her go, then she is going to have to let me go too? 

I've been a good friend to her because I love her.  It started out as something else, but the potential was there and that's what it grew into.  That little itty bitty spark was there from the first time I saw her.

How can I give that love up, and not lose what resulted from it too? 

I'll always be there if she needs me.  I'll always be happy to see her.  And I'll always be her friend.  But there is something missing from my life, and she can't give it to me.  Until I find it, being happy is not something I'm going to be able to do. 

I don't feel resentment toward her, or even anger.  It comes sometimes, but it's gone quickly and really meaningless.  I don't blame her for the way I feel.  I don't want her to feel guilty for how I feel.  But I do need to her to realize it, believe it, and accept it.  Because it's me, and if she doesn't accept that then she doesn't accept me.

Why is it that the one person I love more than anything in this world, who I would do anything in my power for, asks for the one thing I can't do?

How can I not love her, and be the person I've always been to her?  If I give up that, I give up the person I am. 

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