Sunday, December 25, 2005

Merry Fracken Christmas

Have I gone Christian?  Fuck no.  It's a Roman holiday, after all.  December 25th was chosen for convenience, nothing more.  Besides, I like giving gifts and will use any excuse to do so.

My plans for the day are...well...nothing.  I'm sure I'll go by my grandfathers at some point.  I have to take him his checks, which he left in the impala I'm driving.  And then there is free food, too.  I was thinking of going shooting.  It is Sunday after all...and then I realized that it's raining, of course.  I need to just find a pistol range somewhere. 

I spent my entire Christmas Eve reading and watching movies.  I've been in the mood for vampire movies, so I watched Underworld and have moved on to Blade: Trinity.  I had a few drinks, but not near enough to get drunk.  But it has made me pretty tired, since I'm not doing anything else.  I'm pretty well relaxed. 

Friday night I saw Stephanie at WalMart.  She was with Jeremy and some of his friends walking around.  She didn't see me and I didn't try to get her attention, for reasons that should be obvious.  But a little while later she came walking down my aisle, by herself.  This put me in a decent mood, since I had been very angry.  Seeing her with Jeremy always makes me angry.  She said she had told Jeremy she didn't want him to come with her.  Not in so many words, I'm sure, but she got the point across.  The first thing she did was walk right up to me to get a hug.  That was nice.  She does that sometimes.  It's never been something I initiate, because I just don't do that.  Not that I don't like it, just that I don't do it.  But I always enjoy it.  Weird.

Anyway, I asked her how she was feeling, since she's been sick.  She was looking a little tired and weak.  She said she was a little better, but still feeling bad.  She also found her phone, which she had lost again.  She wanted to know when my next non-holiday off day was so that she could give me my presents, and I could give her hers.  I told her I had to call her since they screwed our schedule for next week.  Jeremy and his friends came walking down my aisle a few minutes later, and Stephanie seemed annoyed by that.  I think it was for my sake she was angry more than anything else, but I still appreciate her thoughtfulness in trying to help me avoid that asshole.  He's just too stupid to realize what kind of danger he is in around me.  Oh, well.  Some people will always allow over confidence to blind them. 

It turns out I'm off Tuesday only.  I called and left Stephanie a message this afternoon to let her know.  I also dropped a message in Facebook just in case her phone isn't working.  It had been in the grass for three days and she hadn't charged it, so she didn't know.

I didn't really expect this holiday season to be my best, and it hasn't.  Everything has been bittersweet at best.  The only good times seem to be brief and fleeting.  No happiness seems to last.  I'm trying to enjoy what I do have, and take pleasure in that.  But it's hard.  It's really hard.

Loneliness is a bitch, and I've been dealing with it all my life.  I know it won't kill me, but it almost makes life not worth living at all.  I really need someone in my life.  I hate to say that, but it's true.  I need someone, as opposed to something.  I need a little comfort and compassion, and I can only get that from another person.  Someone who is more than a friend.  I need that in my life.  I've been too long without it.  I just don't know how to get it, and I can't believe it's just going to fall into my lap. 

So much for a merry Christmas.  Sorry.  I'd like to be writing a cheery, happy entry, but you all know I'm too honest to lie.  I'm miserable, and my holidays have been anything but happy.  I'm doing my best to live in those small moments of happiness I do come across, but they are all to often overshadowed by the much larger specter of this deep seated sadness that I can't seem to shake.


autumnsavril said...

When you're going through hard times, the holidays seem to be exceptionally hard to handle.  I'm sorry this hasn't been the best year for you.  Just think, this time next year you could be really, really happy.

Love you bunches,

all4eyez said...

Free food is always a good thing.

Giving gifts is something anyone can do year round , we do not need any holidays for that.

I didnt do much more than you did for Christmas.
Reading and watching movies are a good pasttime.
Drinking also , we cant forget that past time.;)

Glad to hear that you got to speak to Stephanie alone , without  knucklehead Jeremy around.
That must have been nice.
I know what you mean about hugging - Im not much of a touchy person , but its nice to get a hug.
Kind of wakes you up a bit.

I know what you are saying about loneliness...
It sucks , but I know for a fact it will get better.
Really , it will.

You dont have to have a nice , cheery entry here just because its Christmas.
But try not to be so miserable - being miserable may make you miss something you need not miss.

Its good to know that you are trying to be appreciative about what you do have.
I know thats a hard one.
I dont think I know anyone who just appreciates what they do have and settles for that - everyone always needs something more - or someone.
But its good that you are trying.
Thats a big step in the direction you want to lean.

Oh and Merry Facking Christmas,lol

rampage841512 said...

Thanks for the comments, both of you.  I actually am feeling a lot better than I was earlier.  I think the entry I added after this one  Sometimes you just got to get it all out, and since I don't have a place to put up my punching bag I had to make due with what I had.  

It's "Frack," BTW.  You'd have to be a fan of the new BattleStar Galactica to get that one, I think.  In truth, it was just a clever way of slipping by the censors.

jhileb said...

keep your head up.  things will get better eventually...they always's the long neverending feeling wait that makes you think otherwise.

yeah christmas i look at as two distinct history or science involved, just my own being the symbolic christian birth of jesus deal, which i have little interest in.  the other being the marketing and gift giving bonanza the retailers all love to shove down our throats.  this one i don't mind and find entertaining a bit.  it's fun and harmless, imo.  so have's a fun holiday or should be a fun holiday...without any guilt for participating (not that you feel guilty, just speaking in general) religious or not.



all4eyez said...

Eminem says its "Fack"
So if you are a fan of his , you should know that one

rampage841512 said...

I have every cd the man's put out and I have no idea what you are talking about...well, this isn't the first time I've felt stupid.

all4eyez said...

Hey you - do not feel stupid.
It is the mans BRAND NEW CD - Eminem : The Hits.
The songs "Shake That" and "Fack" just recently , this past week or so , started getting airwaves.
Dont worry - youll be hip to that one in no time.

rampage841512 said...

I didn't even know that was out yet.  I'll have to get it.