Wednesday, December 21, 2005

I am losing my mind...

I really do think I am going nuts.  I just feel like I'm losing my grip on sanity.  One minute I look at my life and I feel so depressed, and I feel the undeniable urge to press on for something better...and then I look again and I can't help laughing hysterically.  From a far enough vantage point the absurdity of it all is quite funny.  And then it's not, not really. 

I keep asking myself why people are so stupid.  I've been forced to accept what is, and to somehow deal with it, whether I like it or not.  But no one else wants to do that.  Sometimes I think it's because they are just fucking stupid.  But I try to be fair to them and maybe it's just that they don't look at things the same way I do. 

But in the end, I think they are just kidding themselves.  They don't want to admit that things are the way they are, and that's that.  Some things you can't change.  Sometimes a situation just sucks.  That's life.  I don't like it, not one little bit, but I deal with it.  I don't really know how I do it.  I just do, because I don't have any other choice. 

I wish I didn't have to.  I wish I could escape into some other world or some sort of forgetfulness, but there isn't anything that can do that for me.  Not even severe head trauma.  Hell, when I should be worrying about myself I find myself most concerned for others.  At least those people, or to be completely honest 'that person,' seems to be worth it.  I don't know why.  I don't even think she does.  I sincerely doubt she sees herself the way I see her. 

But hey, I don't see myself the way a lot of people do either. 

Anyway, there is the deep seated certainty inside me that there is a reason for the way things are.  There is always a reason.  Maybe I just want to believe that, or need to believe it.  There is only one thing I know for sure, and it doesn't help me at all.  It's something completely subjective, with no possibility of objective analysis or validation.  I just know it, 'balls to bones' as the saying goes.  But what does it mean?  Why is it that this thing should be? 

There must be some reason.

2 comments:

autumnsavril said...

What brought all this on today?  Seems like something triggered this train of thought.

Avril

rampage841512 said...

My utter contempt for life and the way things are goings.  I just want to smash things.  Instead, I think I'll just watch Fight Club.