Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Found one I like...

I finally found the tattoo I want.  It was right in front of me, so to speak, the entire time.  It has some meaning to me, and I like the way it looks.  Placement is really the only issue right now.  That, and how much it is going to cost me.  I'm thinking my upper arm, something that would be covered by short sleeves.  Anyway, I'm sure you're wonder what it is by now, so I'll tell you. 

I'm getting my name in Elvish.  See it here (just scroll down a little until you come to my name, it was one of the examples):  Write Your Name in Elvish in Ten Minutes

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Wine is sneaky shit....

I opened a bottle of wine about eight-thirty.  I drank about a glass and a half...on a full stomach.  Doesn't seem like much, but I feel like I just killed a fifth of Jack.  I will admit that it's a happy kind of drunk though.  I'm pretty bummed abut Stephanies forgeting tonight, but I feel okay.  I'm kind of sad, not really happy or mad, or anything.  I just feel disappointed more than anything. 

At first I was really feeling hurt.  Now I just kind of feel resigned.  Stephanie is scatter brained.  I know that.  But it still hurts when she forgets things.  In all honesty, I was looking forward to seeing her much more than the presents.  It sucks, but what ya gonna do? 

Stephanie forgot...

Stephanie left me a message on Facebook this morning saying she would call me tonight.  By eight I hadn't heard from her so I gave her a call.  She just called me back.  Apparently she forgot today was Tuesday.  Talk about your buzz kill...

Robert's Picks...a day late

Here we go, a week late, or a week and a day if you consider I forgot last week entirely.

What I'm reading: 

 High Druid of Shannara(Book II):  Taneguil  by Terry Brooks(good)

Gerald's Game By Stephen King (iffy)

My dvd pick this week:  Underworld (excellent)

I'll be doing a Robert's Christmas presents run down as soon as I get the last ones from Stephanie.  I got a care package from my Aunt Ellen in California who had some nice things for me.  She works in a liquor store so she is going to send me a few bottles of whatever I like soon too.

Monday, December 26, 2005

I'm so lost...

I was in a pretty good mood all last night.  The reason, I think, is because I saw Stephanie and was able to give her her Christmas presents (I got her Episode III on dvd and some gold earrings).  She came over with John and Jennifer...and Jeremy.  I resisted the urge to 187 his ass...but anyway..

John came to buy a jacket I had that he really wanted.  I don't wear it so much so I sold it to him.  While they were here Stephanie saw her presents and wanted to open them.  I kind of wanted her to wait because I didn't want it to be in front of everyone else.  I think she got that because she grabbed me and dragged me off into my room so we could be alone. 

She opened them and seemed really happy to get them.  She was kind of blushing and she was smiling the whole time.  She laughed her ass off when she saw that her dvd was in a huge box mostly filled with newspapers to make it heavy.  She was happy, and I did that.  It put me in suck a good mood.  It's putting me in a good mood just thinking about it. 

I came home and went to sleep almost from the moment I sat back on my couch at around seven-thirty.  I got up a little after four and was getting ready for a shower when John called. 

I went and had dinner with him and Jennifer, and then we went to WalMart and Old Navy.  I returned my forty dollar headphones since they were falling apart.  I'm going to get some more though, I think.  At Old Navy Jennifer bought a bunch of clothes.  I got a fleece pullover, a polo shirt, and a sweater because they were all on sale. 

I realized also that I'll be able to cover my tuition myself.  I still might have to borrow a little from my grandfather to cover bills, but it will be okay.  I'm going to survive my crisis of the month.  I'm a survivor, no one can deny that. 

Well, time to go fight the crowd at work. 

Sunday, December 25, 2005

To all of those who deserve know who you are...a little holiday gift from me...

Fuck You!!!



Now I feel a little better.

Merry Fracken Christmas

Have I gone Christian?  Fuck no.  It's a Roman holiday, after all.  December 25th was chosen for convenience, nothing more.  Besides, I like giving gifts and will use any excuse to do so.

My plans for the day are...well...nothing.  I'm sure I'll go by my grandfathers at some point.  I have to take him his checks, which he left in the impala I'm driving.  And then there is free food, too.  I was thinking of going shooting.  It is Sunday after all...and then I realized that it's raining, of course.  I need to just find a pistol range somewhere. 

I spent my entire Christmas Eve reading and watching movies.  I've been in the mood for vampire movies, so I watched Underworld and have moved on to Blade: Trinity.  I had a few drinks, but not near enough to get drunk.  But it has made me pretty tired, since I'm not doing anything else.  I'm pretty well relaxed. 

Friday night I saw Stephanie at WalMart.  She was with Jeremy and some of his friends walking around.  She didn't see me and I didn't try to get her attention, for reasons that should be obvious.  But a little while later she came walking down my aisle, by herself.  This put me in a decent mood, since I had been very angry.  Seeing her with Jeremy always makes me angry.  She said she had told Jeremy she didn't want him to come with her.  Not in so many words, I'm sure, but she got the point across.  The first thing she did was walk right up to me to get a hug.  That was nice.  She does that sometimes.  It's never been something I initiate, because I just don't do that.  Not that I don't like it, just that I don't do it.  But I always enjoy it.  Weird.

Anyway, I asked her how she was feeling, since she's been sick.  She was looking a little tired and weak.  She said she was a little better, but still feeling bad.  She also found her phone, which she had lost again.  She wanted to know when my next non-holiday off day was so that she could give me my presents, and I could give her hers.  I told her I had to call her since they screwed our schedule for next week.  Jeremy and his friends came walking down my aisle a few minutes later, and Stephanie seemed annoyed by that.  I think it was for my sake she was angry more than anything else, but I still appreciate her thoughtfulness in trying to help me avoid that asshole.  He's just too stupid to realize what kind of danger he is in around me.  Oh, well.  Some people will always allow over confidence to blind them. 

It turns out I'm off Tuesday only.  I called and left Stephanie a message this afternoon to let her know.  I also dropped a message in Facebook just in case her phone isn't working.  It had been in the grass for three days and she hadn't charged it, so she didn't know.

I didn't really expect this holiday season to be my best, and it hasn't.  Everything has been bittersweet at best.  The only good times seem to be brief and fleeting.  No happiness seems to last.  I'm trying to enjoy what I do have, and take pleasure in that.  But it's hard.  It's really hard.

Loneliness is a bitch, and I've been dealing with it all my life.  I know it won't kill me, but it almost makes life not worth living at all.  I really need someone in my life.  I hate to say that, but it's true.  I need someone, as opposed to something.  I need a little comfort and compassion, and I can only get that from another person.  Someone who is more than a friend.  I need that in my life.  I've been too long without it.  I just don't know how to get it, and I can't believe it's just going to fall into my lap. 

So much for a merry Christmas.  Sorry.  I'd like to be writing a cheery, happy entry, but you all know I'm too honest to lie.  I'm miserable, and my holidays have been anything but happy.  I'm doing my best to live in those small moments of happiness I do come across, but they are all to often overshadowed by the much larger specter of this deep seated sadness that I can't seem to shake.

Friday, December 23, 2005

Murphy's Law

"Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong."

Kind of defines my life these last four months, doesn't it?

Anyway, I came home this morning hoping to sleep all day, since I was exhausted.  I went to sleep by eight.  I didn't even take the time to shower first, I just passed out on my couch.  A little after eleven John called me because he needed a ride home from work because the place closed early.  So I went and got him.  It sucked, but I figured on still getting plenty of sleep.

I was down again by one, and at two-thirty Movie Gallery called me so an automated message could tell me my movies are over due.  No shit.  I knew that.  I went back to sleep, and an hour later Jennifer was knocking on my door.  I have not been back to sleep since. 

I went and got some more Chinese food.  I seem to always crave it two days running and then I don't want it again for a while.  I've been reading some, and I'm thinking of crashing for a little while before getting up for a shower and what not. 

At least I only have to work tonight and then I'm off for Christmas Eve.  That will be nice, but I don't really know what I'm doing.  I'll probably end up sitting at home alone.  But I've got plans for New Years.  John and Jennifer are hosting the annual party.  They are moving in with Jennifer's mom, so it's going to be there.  Hopefully, I'll enjoy it.  I'm going to try and get someone to go with me though. 

You know, I realize that I've been in a real bad mood since August, and it's not getting any better.  I've got to do something to change that.  I need to be able to get out and have some fun.  But I can't do that with my current work schedule.  I'm going to have to talk to my boss about that.  Sitting at home by myself is really starting to get old.  I need a life outside of work and home. 

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Today's Fortune

I had Chinese food today, so I thought I would share my fortune from my fortune cookie:

"Your talents will be recognized and rewarded."

Sure they will.

Anyway, John and Jennifer are supposed to be on their way over so we can exchange Christmas gifts.  As a matter of fact, they should already be here.  I swear, they drag ass far too much.  Slow pokes.

This is what I'm buying...I hope posting it here doesn't get me into trouble...

This is actually not even a picture she has on the site, except in her journal there.  One of the reasons I find her so...fascinating, I guess is the word I'm looking for, is that she isn't one of those perfect beauties.  I like that.  I like that she has flaws.  It makes her human.  And that's one of the things that really draws me to women I find attractive.  It's her imperfections that make her perfect.  Uniquely perfect.

Although, I must admit, this particular picture of her doesn't really show those flaws.  And before anyone gets offended or somehow sends my remarks off to her...Flaws are not a bad thing.  I shouldn't have even used that word, but that's how people generally view another's uniqueness.  It's sucks, but it's true.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005


What do blondes and tornados have in common?

At first it's all suck and blow...then you lose your house.

What do you get when you cross a donkey and an onion?

A piece of ass that will bring a tear to your eye.


I stole this from a SuicideGirl, but she stole it from MySpace!

Spell your first name back wards -trebor
Where do you live? -Fultondale,AL...directly north of B'ham
5 words that sum you up? Honest, randy, intelligent, proud, angry
Wallet - it's a brown leather bi-fold by Fossil that is coming apart
Hairbrush-I don't own one
Jewellery you wear daily- my fossil watch
Pillow cover-creamy brown 
Coffee cup-It's about twice the size of a normal one, and I only drink Swiss Miss French Vanilla hot chocolate in it 
CD in player -I have two of the stereo deals with seperate speakers, in my room and living room
What are you are wearing now -white vans, Levi's 527, black Fossil belt, USP .45 in a black nylon inside the pants holster, CK v-neck t-shirt, white structure long sleeved t, RayBans, and a Fossil watch, oh...white Hanes socks and gray boxer
Hair -in desperate need of cutting
In my mouth-teeth, tongue, salivia...anyone wanna kiss?
In my head -this, that, and the other
Eating -nada...I just finished a couple of hotdogs though
Something you're looking forward to-ummm...I don't know...Getting drunk later?
The last thing you ate? this is a stupid question
Something that you are deathly afraid of? -spiders...I hate them
Do you like candles -yes
Do you believe in a thing called love-unfortunately
Do you believe in soul mates? -sure
Do you believe in love at first sight -I'm on the fence...leaning towards yes 
Do you believe in forgiveness -yes, but I only forgive once
If you could have any animal for a pet -a mastif or a great dane
One of your favorite pig out foods?- pizza
Anyone you miss that you haven't seen in a long time?- Crystal
{In the last 24 hours, have you:} ---------->
Cried - no
Gotten sick -nope
Sang -yeah, right Ray Charles
Eaten -duh
Felt stupid -maybe
Hugged someone-no
Met someone new -no
Kissed someone -no...I could use a good kiss though
Talked to an ex -Ha!
Talked to someone you have a crush on-Um...well...not the last 24...but close 
Fought with your parents -no
Dreamed about someone you can't be with -not today 
Are you center of attention or the wallflower -wallflower
What type of automobile do you drive -a beat up 2001 impala 
Would u rather be with friends or on a date -depends on the date and the friends
Do you attend church-fuck no!
Do you like being around people-depends on the people 
Who have you known the longest -Myself
Who do you argue the most with-Josh at work
Who do you always get along with-My penis...sorry...but it's true...
Who is the smartest-I am, all he thinks about is pussy...
Who is your Hero-anyone who can love unrestrained
Missed school because it was
Put a body part on fire for amusement hand
Been hurt emotionally -Well, yeah...
Ever thought an animated character was hot?-Lara Croft 
What do you notice first -it depends...usually their smile or their eyes...I'm really into eyes
Last person you slow danced with -I don't dance...don't ask me

current mood-fed up
current make-up-I don't wear any.
current thing I ought to be doing-anything but sitting here 
current crush -complicated...a little brunette named's a physical thing more than anything
currently in love?-God, help me I am....
current favorite song/songs - "You Don't Know Me" by Ray Charles
current favorite bands -Metallica, Guns N' Roses, Disturbed, Drowning Pool
current book you're reading -The High Druid of Shannara: Jarka Rus...and How to Make Love Like a Pornstar
current favorite drink-Jeger bombs...and Gentleman Jack and Coke

Just A Little Excited

I just found out that my favorite SuicideGirl, Quinne, is thinking about selling signed prints of some of her pictures.  Okay, I am really, really into fetish photography as both art know...and this girl is beautiful.  She's the reason I find the twenty bucks each month to pay my membership fee.

She is actually living in Tennessee right now, although she is from Canada.  She moved to the US when she got married.  She wants to make extra cash to get the hell out of Dixie.  I can't say I blame her.  God, one of her signed prints would make a most excellent Christmas present for myself.

I am so having a nerdy fan moment right now.

Hadn't thought of this one since elementry school...

Nobody loves me
Everybody hates me
I think I'll go and eat worms
Big fat gooshy ones
Wee skinny ooshy ones
See how they wriggle and squirm
And you bite off the heads
And you slurp out the juice
And you throw the skins away
Nobody knows how I will thrive
On worms three times a day

I am losing my mind...

I really do think I am going nuts.  I just feel like I'm losing my grip on sanity.  One minute I look at my life and I feel so depressed, and I feel the undeniable urge to press on for something better...and then I look again and I can't help laughing hysterically.  From a far enough vantage point the absurdity of it all is quite funny.  And then it's not, not really. 

I keep asking myself why people are so stupid.  I've been forced to accept what is, and to somehow deal with it, whether I like it or not.  But no one else wants to do that.  Sometimes I think it's because they are just fucking stupid.  But I try to be fair to them and maybe it's just that they don't look at things the same way I do. 

But in the end, I think they are just kidding themselves.  They don't want to admit that things are the way they are, and that's that.  Some things you can't change.  Sometimes a situation just sucks.  That's life.  I don't like it, not one little bit, but I deal with it.  I don't really know how I do it.  I just do, because I don't have any other choice. 

I wish I didn't have to.  I wish I could escape into some other world or some sort of forgetfulness, but there isn't anything that can do that for me.  Not even severe head trauma.  Hell, when I should be worrying about myself I find myself most concerned for others.  At least those people, or to be completely honest 'that person,' seems to be worth it.  I don't know why.  I don't even think she does.  I sincerely doubt she sees herself the way I see her. 

But hey, I don't see myself the way a lot of people do either. 

Anyway, there is the deep seated certainty inside me that there is a reason for the way things are.  There is always a reason.  Maybe I just want to believe that, or need to believe it.  There is only one thing I know for sure, and it doesn't help me at all.  It's something completely subjective, with no possibility of objective analysis or validation.  I just know it, 'balls to bones' as the saying goes.  But what does it mean?  Why is it that this thing should be? 

There must be some reason.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

I don't have any plans, but I feel like doing something profound...

That's "Vagner" to you. 

I've always had a thing for classical music, although this is one of the few pieces from opera that I like.  So technically it's not classical at all.  Go figure.

I have no idea what to do tonight.  I thought about working an off night, but I'm beat, even though I slept a full eight hours.  I want to do something fun, that doesn't involve work.  But it's a Tuesday night.  There is nothing to do.  Bummer. 

I guess I'll just end up watching movies or something like that.  Fun.

My neck hurts...

Among other things.  I had a bad night at work.  I thought it would be an easy night, but it wasn't.  It totally sucked ass.

And my feelings are a little hurt too.  Ever try to go out of your way to be nice to someone?  I've been trying to be nice to someone at work for a good month now.  But about all I get in return is shit.  Finally, today I gave a little back.  And I kind of feel like an asshole about it.  But said person was going out of their way to try and be cruel to me. 

I just want to be a nice guy.  Why can't people appreciate that instead of being assholes? 

Monday, December 19, 2005

This is how I feel...

I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt

I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt

I will let you down
I will make you hurt

if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

Good things...finally...a little respite

I got my grades.  I made two Bs, one A, and a C.

This could have been bad.  Instead, I got exactly what I deserved.  I'm happy about my grades.  I've never been good at Anthropology. 

I also got my pistol license back today.  I'm more happy about that than I am about my grades.  So I'm weird.  You know you love me  I need sleep.  But food first.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

In A Bad Mood? No, Sweetheart, I Am A Bad Mood

Yeah, my birthday really sucked.  So that hasn't done anything for my pleasant disposition, among other things.  Work has sucked. 

On the upside, I do have a lot of alcohol which I will be taking advantage of on my upcoming off days (I only have to work three days this week!).  I have a lot to do in the next couple of days.  I think I'm going to see about my pistol license in the morning.  I really want it back more than anything (except for a beautiful woman who loves me unconditionally...duh!). 

Anyway, I read something funny in Esquire this month:  "If men were the ones having babies there would be drive-thru abortion clinics and someone would be sticking their head through the window asking if you want fries with that."

I'm not sure if that's an exact quote, but it's close enough. 

So, as to what I've said before about truth and bluntness:  Last night at work a friend of my buddy Josh came into the store.  She said, "Hello, Robert," after reading my name tag.  I responded that that wasn't fair, since I didn't know her name.  She told me her name was some outlandish thing and then laughed and said it was really Candice.  I told her I was glad, because I didn't like the other name.  She acted all offended (her act was ruined by this cute little smile).  I told her, "Hey, you've got beautiful eyes, but that name just isn't doing it for me."  I would have followed up by asking her phone number, especially considering the way those beautiful eyes lit up when I complimented them, but I doubt her boyfriend would have taken that well. 

Oh, yeah, and I met this girl John works with at the mall yesterday.  He wanted her to come to my place Friday night, but she had other plans.  She's attractive.  I'll have to look into that.  I didn't really get to talk to her, but I got one of those smiles.  You know the one, that smile that says, "Well, hello."

Oh, and I got a new MP3 player.  It's a Sony, with a built in FM tuner.  I like it, but not as much as my Rio so far.  We'll see how it goes.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Oh, and another thing that pisses me off...

Apparently I weirded out Stephanie's friend Leslie.  The following is the sum total of our contact, all via Facebook messages:

Me:  "Hello. We don't know each other, but Stephanie talks about you alot, so why don't we change that?"

Me, after getting no response for a few weeks (I'd forgotten about it until Stephanie asked me if Leslie ever wrote me back even thought I hadn't told Stephanie about it...obviously Leslie got my message):  "You know...You can say hello. I promise it won't hurt. But, hey, I'm a tough guy. I can handle being ignored. Sorry I bothered you in the first place."

Finally, Leslie:  "I didn't mean to ignore you. I meant to write you back, but I haven't been online nearly as much lately because I have had a lot of work from class (which i am not used to having to do any book work) and it seems like I am never home lately. You didn't bother me it was my fault for not remembering to write you back."

Me:  "I was wondering what it was. I'm glad you finally got a chance to say hello. I know what you mean about being busy. I both work and go to school full time, so I barely have time to sleep as it is. Anyway, if you want, send me a message on AIM sometime. My screen name's Rampage841512."

I am such a weirdo.  What's wrong with me?  Sure.  Right.  Whatever.  That's what I get for trying to be nice to an overweight, neurotic head case.  I'm getting so no more Mr. Nice Guy.

I mean, I can talk to a random girl in class and have her phone number and email address in under five minutes, and I generally become friends with's becoming anything more that I have trouble with.  But I try befriending one of Stephanie's friends who from all accounts could use another friend and suddenly I'm labeled the weirdo.  I know I'm weird...but come on...who is really normal out there?  I mean, this is a girl who is going to school to become a pastry chef! 

I guess it just bothers me so much because once again I was trying to be a nice guy and I got burned.  It's fucking bullshit and I'm frankly sick of it.  Fucking bitch.

Sometimes I just want to pull my hair out...

Today has been fucked up and frustrating and that pisses me off because I wanted to have a good day.  Let me give you the highlights....

I couldn't get a hold of the the guy at the sheriff's office about my pistol permit.  I found myself playing Devil's Advocate for Jeremy, of all fucking people (he's being a moody little prick about the money his mom is spending since his dad died...but his dad just died, so even I think he deserves the benefit of the doubt...I am way to fair...and people think I'm an uncaring asshole and a half...I wish I could be what everyone seems to think I am sometimes..fucking people need to mind the Wizard's Fifth Rule [ The Updated Wizard's Rules]).  Then Stephanie basically blew me off saying she didn't think we "really had any plans," even though it was her idea that we do something tonight since she can't come tomorrow night...I think the Wizard's First Rule applies here.  My twenty dollar steak could have been better.  WalMart was out of .45 ACP ammo in FMJ.  Julie didn't return my call.  Jennifer came over tired and pissed off (this one actually didn't go so bad, but we almost got into an argument because I think her brother could have stood up for himself better and that her mom should mind her business where her adult son is concerned...he tried to call in sick[he is actually sick] and his boss called him a liar, so he went to work...behind his back his mom called his boss to defend her poor baby...that ain't going to help the prick become a better man).

But I'm a little drunk anyway.  Me and John had a nice dinner (I had planned to do that with while it was nice I was a little peeved) and then we came back to my place and drank.  Our friend Logan came over after he got off work and kicked back for a while since he probably won't make it tomorrow night. 

This whole thing reminds me of something my good friend in high school, Mark, used to say, "People...they suck."

On the bright side, my aunt from California called me to say Happy B'day.  I talked to my little cousins, the younger of which shares my birthday with me.  It was nice to talk to all of them.  And I didn't have to work tonight...and I don't have to work tomorrow night.  That's cool.

Happy Birthday To Me!

I am now officially twenty-one years of age.  Oh, joy. 

I am enjoying my first legal beer.  Okay, so maybe 'enjoying' isn't accurate.  I'm not a beer drinker.  The stuff is quite vile.  But it's all WalMart sales, so I have to deal.  I'll have good drinks some other time.  

I have to admit, I don't feel any different than I did a few hours ago.  Hopefully by the end of the day I'll have my pistol license issue straight and I'll be able to carry a gun again soon.  I've been looking forward to that more than anything in all honesty.  I was looking forward to topless bars, but since that is suddenly out in this state I'll have to look into other things.  Like my cute neighbors bedroom window....

I'm kidding!!!!  Don't call the cops.

I don't know what I'm going to to later today, but Friday I'm having a bunch of people over to my apartment.  I am supposed to do something with Stephanie today, since she is going to be busy Friday night.  Her other best friend, Leslie, has a birthday on Saturday so they are partying Friday.  It's been planned for a while, so that's completely understandable. 

I saw this really hot girl when I went into WalMart to pick up my check and get my first six pack.  Unfortunately, as soon as I made eye contact and got a smile she dropped the box of tampons (Etymology: French, literally, plug, from Middle French...childish, I know, but kind of funny if you have a sense of humor about such things) she had been hiding behind her back...I'm still laughing about that one.  I didn't laugh then, I just smiled as she turned bright red and quickly walked off at a right angle from me.  She didn't have to be embarrassed.  I'm not one of those squeamish guys, but I guess I would have been in her position.

I guess I'm going to screw around for a little while, see if I can stomach this vile brew I have long enough to generate a nice buzz, and then get some sleep.  I wish I had a little company.  Yeah, female company.  Every once in a while I get into this mood...just like now.  And I feel like a buck in rut.  Maybe it's good there are no women around.  I'd be all over her like green on grass the way I'm feeling. 

And people thing legal prostitution would be a bad thing?  Sometimes a guy just needs a little relaxation therapy.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Something has occured to me...

Every time, and I mean every single friggin' time, that I ask a girl out ,or just to do something with me, I feel like a complete dork.  I've always thought maybe it was just that shy part of me, but I don't think it is. 

I think that the idea of dating, of there being some 'way' two people are supposed to get together that involves this whole big plan or something is totally ridiculous.  So I feel like a dork because all I want to do in that moment is laugh.  I mean, I really do.  It's hilarious. 

I think I'm going to try going at all of this at a new angle, because the way I've been doing it, the way I've always thought you were supposed to do it just ain't working for me.  It's stupid for one thing, and embarrassing for another.

I think I am really, truly, just going to be me.  That means the point...and brutally honest. 

I may get slapped...more than once...but you know what?  At least I'll feel like I'm being me.  And maybe I'll start enjoying this whole thing a little bit.

Hey, you're hot.  Wanna get a pizza and fuck?


What?  You don't like pizza?


Not even I am that brave, but that would be funny!

Tuesday, December 13, 2005


Less than 48 hours until I'm twenty-one.   And I have more than one reason to get thoroughly trashed.  Yay for me.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Robert's Picks

I almost forgot this week. 

I am reading:  the same things, although I'm almost done with all of it.  By next week I should have some new books listed and maybe some book reviews as well.

I am listening too:  The Brian Adams Anthology (excellent)  The song "Everything I do (I do it for you)" is probably my all time favorite love song and has been since I was a little kid.  I guess its kind of shaped the way I look at love, too.

My dvd pick of the week:  Mr. and Mrs. Smith (excellent)  A must see.

I feel so dirty...

Mostly because I am.  I worked all night only to come home and discover...NO WATER.  I hate this place sometimes.  It really does suck.  But it should be fixed soon.  Doesn't really help me at the moment, though.

I went and took my U.S. history final today.  I think I did okay.  But I probably stank to high heaven.  I don't sweat a lot though, so maybe it wasn't so bad.  I have two exams tomorrow and then I'm done for the semester.

It's going to costs me around $450 to get my car.  I'm wondering if it's worth it.  I don't think I could salvage that much out of it.  I have not seen it, but from what Stephanie told me the front end is smashed into about a one foot section, so I can't pull the engine out and sell it.  It might be better off just to let the wrecker service have it.

I talked to Stephanie a little bit after my exam.  I just wanted to hear her voice.  I really don't want to be alone at all since my accident, but the only person I really want to be with me is her.  Or someone I trust like her.  I need some comfort.  My nerves are gone.  I still get this panicky worried feeling about her.  I keep thinking she isn't safe, or she needs my help.  I guess waking up in an ambulance and not remembering if someone you love more than life itself had been in your car when you drove it off into a ravine will do that to you.

I have not talked to Julie since last week.  I might call her tonight, and tell her what happened to me.  I don't know if I'm ready to laugh about it yet, but maybe she can help with that.  Or maybe she can just give a little sympathy.  Hey, who knows?  Sometimes a little pity will cause a girl to do some odd things.

Okay, getting my mind out of the gutter.

I tried going by the hospital to pick up my chart so I can have something for sick time at work, but that didn't work out.  I didn't really know where to go, and I couldn't find parking anyway.  I hate when that happens.  I think I'm going to have to borrow a little money from my grandfather to cover my bills this month.  I shouldn't have to borrow more than a hundred bucks though.

I've got to get out and start enjoying life a little bit.  All that seems to happen to me is one bad thing after another.  They all aren't on the same level, but they still all suck.  Why can't I catch a break?  What did I do to deserve this shit?  That's what I keep asking myself.  I don't have an answer.  The only one I can think of is "that's life."  But it ain't this way for everyone.  Some people got it worse.  Some people got it better. 

I don't know what I'm going to do.  I've already been trying to sell my computer.  Now I must sell it.  I also need to really, seriously consider getting a roommate.  But it's got to be someone I know and that I know I could live with.  I like living alone, but I don't really have a choice now. 

Maybe I should just rob a bank.  Now there's an idea....

P.S.  I've gotten this constant tiny, dull ache in my head.  I hate it. 

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Feeling real alone...

I'm feeling really alone right now.  I'm about to take a nap before going to work.  My grandfather let me borrow a car.

I keep feeling real scared.  I guess it's because I'm still scared that Stephanie could have been hurt when I had my accident.  I just want to see her and touch her and know that she is alright.  Maybe that sounds weird.  But I just want to give her a hug and hold her for minute.  I was so scared when they put me in that ambulance and I couldn't remember if she had still been with me or not.

I don't ever want to feel that kind of fear again.  I talked to her tonight.  I told her I wanted to get together sometime in the next couple of days just to hang out.  I just want to see her.  I still feel so afraid for her.  Maybe I just need rest, and I'll be okay. 

This has been really stressful, and it will probably only get worse. 

Friday, December 9, 2005

A little more in depth explanation...

I was coming home from Stephanie's house.  I had just turned off her street.  Please bear in mind this is all a bit fuzzy.  I thinking I was going down this hill.  It was raining, and had been all day.  I remember seeing a white car's rear end right in front of me, and swerving.  I lost control.  I was headed for some trees, and a ravine.

I woke up in my car, surround by firefighters.  I was only half conscious, so I only remember bits and pieces of this.  They pulled me out of my car and put me on a backboard, and then carried me up a steep incline to an ambulance.  I remember being in the Ambulance, but my memories are too short for the time it would have taken to get to UAB's ER.  I remember being asked some questions, but nothing specific, except what hospital I wanted to go to.  UAB just stood out.

I remember most of my time in the ER.  They were nice enough not to cut my leather jacket, but they did cut my nice sweater.  I can't blame them, and I thanked the nurse for sparing my jacket.  I know I was wet, and shivering, and they covered me in hot blankets.  I also had a lot of blood on my hands and pants.  The left side of my head was killing me, and my chest along my collar bone hurt.  My right wrist was also in some pain.

They checked me out, gave me to CAT scans and some X-rays.  I also got a tetanus shot.  I had/have a mild concussion, a contusion to the brain, and what they call a cerebral hemotoma (that's bleeding on the brain).  Thankfully it wasn't bad.  I elected to not stay overnight due to my lack of insurance and was told to come to the emergency room immediately if I got dizzy, started vomiting, etc.  I feel like shit.  My head is killing me, but it's not too bad.

I had them call John.  He and Jennifer came down.  They were not sure how bad it was until they got there.  Stephanie also insisted on coming, which I was thankful for.  I hadn't been able to remember if I got her home safe before the accident, and no one in the ambulance could tell me if anyone else was in the car.  But I did.  I got her home safe. 

When they came in to see me I had Jennifer see about my car, and I sent John off so I could have a few minutes alone with Stephanie.  I made her promise she would read the letter I gave her soon.  I told her the crash scaredme bad, and she needed to read it.  She said she would.  I talked to her this morning, but I don't know if she read it yet.  I told her while I was in the ER that it doesn't change anything between us, but she needed to know what was there. 

I was so scared that she had been in the car with me.  I think I cried in the ambulance I was so scared.  But I got her home safe, and that's all that matters.  I'm going to be okay, I think, but I won't be going to work tonight.  John and Jennifer stayed over with me last night because I wasn't supposed to be alone.  John's still here, but Jennifer went to work. 

I'm pretty banged up.  And I'm not doing so great in other ways.  But I think I'll pull through.  My car, however, won't.  From what I'm told the read end was ripped off and most of the front end was smashed in.  I don't know what I'm going to do about a car, or my hospital bills, but I'll figure something out.  Even if it means going to my grandfather.


I shouldn't be alive...

Obviously, I am though.  I had a very bad car accident. I don't remember much.  All I know is that my brain is bleeding, I think they call is cerebreal hemotoba, and that my car is basically ripped apart.

I'm screwed in so many ways, but I'm alive.  Go Grace Protection Spell.

Wednesday, December 7, 2005

December 7, 1941

I am a little ashamed that today I am feeling sorry for myself for the most part, and that is the main cause of my sadness.  Another cause is that I almost forgot what day it was.  Almost.

I'm about to go to sleep.  I've been up since seven yesterday evening, and I also don't feel so good.  I have to be up early in the morning to study with Stephanie. 

Tuesday, December 6, 2005


Well, this is a long story.  And I get the feeling it may get longer.  That could be good or bad, of course.  I don't know yet.  But it looks like good.  So, the long version or the short?  I'll just start, and we'll see....

Okay, I'd seen Julie around school plenty of times.  I never really got to know her though.  She was a cute redhead (carrot top) but I never talked to her.  She seemed like one of the shy, smart types. 

Anyway, when we were both in the eighth grade our mothers became friends.  I don't really know how that happened, but it did.  Little did I or anyone else know, but my mother had just took a nose dive down drug alley, and that was leading to some very paranoid behavior.  She thought people were following her and everyone was out to get her. 

This one time we stopped by Julie's mom's house.  It was the first time I had ever met Julie's mom, and that I realized who's mom she was.  But me and Julie officially met each other that day.  We admitted to having seen each other, but we had never talked.  Because of my mom's antics I was really stressed, worried, and scared.  I think Julie's mom picked up on this really quick because she told Julie to take me to play some video games while she tried to console my mother.

So me and Julie went into her living room and started playing Sega Genesis.  I even remember the game.  It was Aladdin, one of the few I was actually pretty good at.  We didn't really talk, we just played.  It calmed my nerves, I know that.  Which was nice.  And Julie was cute, I remember coming to that realization too.  I'd never really thought about it before.

Anyway, a couple weeks later it got to me through my mom that someone at school was making fun of Julie because of the clothes she wore.  Well, you all know me.  I went looking for the guy in question to kick his ass.  I never found out who he was, but one of the people I had asked about the whole situation was Julie's best friend's boyfriend.  Me and him were friends. 

Anyway, within a couple of days one thing led to another and me and Julie were suddenly boyfriend and girlfriend in that "we don't know anything about each other, but okay" way only Jr. High kids can be.  And it seemed to go pretty good for a little while, but that wasn't to last.  I blame my own immaturity, but she was not totally innocent.

Anyway, we talked on the phone.  Watched a couple of movies.  Went swimming.  All under our mothers' supervision.  It seemed to be going pretty good, but Julie was very shy around me most of the time.  It was kind of frustrating, but I think it was more because her mother was always around too.  But she was like that at school two.  If I sat next to her she slide away so there was at least a foot of space between us.

Well, when the chance came up for us to do something on our own we took it.  This, of course, was going to the local roller rink.  I was a total inline skating nut at the time, and so were all of my friends.  I was sitting at a table across from my best friend at the time, Joey, and his girlfriend.  I had told him my girlfriend was coming, and he knew it was Julie. 

Julie got there and came and sat next to me.  Joey looked at her and said, "Who the fuck are you?"  Julie suddenly looked very uncomfortable.  Now, what I should have done was reached across the table, grabbed Joey by the scruff of his neck, and made him apologize.  But I didn't.  I knew him, and I knew not to take him seriously.  I just laughed, and told him, "She's my girlfriend, asshole."

Joey did a kind of "Oh." and I thought that was that.  It wasn't.  Julie didn't know him, and didn't know not to take him seriously.  In fact, she was pretty upset.  She got up a few minutes later and went to the bathroom.  And to call someone to come get her.  She left, and I couldn't talk her out of it.  I tried to explain about Joey, but I think she was mad I hadn't stood up for her more.  I guess I should have.  Hindsight, and all that.

I was a little mad about her leaving, but I didn't worry about it too much.  But what happened next was too much.  See, the Homecoming Game was coming up, and along with it the Homecoming Dance.  This, to me, was a big deal at the time.  I thought I'd finally be going with someone instead of alone. Well, I fucked that one up too.

I was talking to her on the phone and I asked, "So, you're coming to the dance, right?"  And she said she wasn't.  I was hurt, I admit it.  I felt like I only had a girlfriend in name, but not in practice.  And I've never been one to put up with anything I thought was stupid, so very shortly after I broke it off.

Yes, it was me.  And I was very mad about the whole thing.  Mostly because I was sad about the whole thing.  It just sucked. 

When our mothers found out, they did the whole over the phone thing, each talking to us and relaying messages trying to fix the problem.  But I, at least, was not having it.  I blamed Julie for everything, and she was mad because it wasn't her fault.  And it wasn't, but I didn't believe that then or for a long time.

I told my mother that I couldn't even sit next to her without her sliding two feet away (this was true) and that the one thing I had really been looking forward to, the dance, Julie hadn't wanted to do.  At this point, the dance was over, and I was feeling miserable and pouty, and just mad because of what had happened.  Ever wish you could go back in time and slap yourself? 

Anyway, my mother told Julie's mom, who told Julie.  Julie's response was that I hadn't even asked her to go to the dance with me.  "I was supposed to ask my girlfriend to go to the dance with me!?" was my response.  Yes, dumbass, you have to ask.  Even your girlfriend.  Had this been before the dance, I would have probably bit the bullet.  But the dance was over.  Everything was ruined and the world was coming to an end.  Gotta love those hormones.

Anyway, I was very mad at Julie after that.  I used every opportunity I could to say something nasty.  And, after considering how she seemed to hate being physically close to me I came up with the perfect insult.  "Fucking lesbian."

Cruel.  Very cruel.  And she did not take it well.  I mumbled this under my breath about her for a couple of years, and occasionally yelled it.  Ouch.  Shouldn't have done that.  She finally confronted me about it, through IMs.  I didn't apologize, like I should have.  Being online made me brave.  No, I just kept digging that hole.  She hated me for it.

By the eleventh grade this still came to mind once in a while, and I had grown up enough to know I had been an asshole.  But I also knew she hated me.  At the end of my senior year, well after she had dropped out (for reasons that didn't involve me in the tenth grade) I was talking to my friend Chris and his girlfriend, Angela, about it.  Angela was one of Julie's friends.  She told me Julie still hated me, but I asked her to tell Julie I was sorry, and that I didn't deserve her forgiveness, but I was sorry just the same.  I don't know if she ever did.  Maybe, maybe not.

A couple of months ago, guess who walks up to me in the mall?  If you didn't guess Julie, then you need to read the subject line again. 

She asked me if I remembered her.  I said I remembered that I should be apologizing to her.  She laughed and said, "But you remember me?"  I said I did.  She said she just wanted to say hi.  And that was it. She walked away.  I didn't say much of anything to her.  I was too shell shocked that she actually spoke to me.

Fast forward to last Friday night.  I was at work, and going on my first break at midnight.  I was getting something to snack on, and guess who was in line behind me?  She didn't say anything, and I was worried that she still didn't like me.  Finally I worked up the courage to say hello and ask her how she was doing. 

We talked for a couple of minutes before we both walked outside, me to chill and her to leave.  But as we walked I bit the bullet and said, "We should hang out some time, and maybe I can make up for being such an asshole in school."  She said sure, that would be cool.  And then we both walked away from each other. 

The first thing I thought was "Shit! I didn't even ask for her number."  Well, there goes that, I thought to myself.  I won't see her again for another couple of months, if at all.

I seem to have a penchant for being wrong when it comes to this girl.  Sunday night she came into WalMart looking for some candy...and me.  We both came walking down my aisle from opposite ends at the same time.  I waved and walked toward her.  I was actually about to go to break.  We ended up talking for about twenty minutes.  The first thing she said was that she had totally zoned out and forgotten to get my number when I said we should hang out.  Well. 

So we exchanged numbers and talked my entire break away, and then some more when I should have been working.  I said I was sorry about all the high school shit.  She told me not to worry about it, and that she had grown up a lot since then.  I also found out one of her ex's beat her up a few times.  Well, now I know his name and he's been given the number two spot on my shit list.

Well, we talked and then she said she had to take off, but that I should call her so we could catch up.  Monday I thought I would call her sometime today and invite her over to watch a movie and eat some pizza or something.  When I got home this morning I read and went to sleep around ten.  I figured I'd wake up by two.

Try seven, buddy.  I figured it was to late to pull anything off, but that I'd call her so we could talk, anyway.  First I called Stephanie to set up a time to study for our exam Thursday.  I think I'm going over there Thursday morning.  After that, I called Julie and got her voice mail.

Here we go again, I thought.  I'd played this game before and hadn't liked it.  But I left a message and told her to give me a call.  About an hour later she did.  We talked for a few minutes and she asked what I was doing.  I told her I was just sitting around at home.  I could tell she was driving, and she had said she didn't know what she was doing tonight so I was thinking of inviting her over.  She beat me to it.  "So, I'm in the area, can I come by?"  Well, of course.

She found my apartment, only getting lost once, and then she was here.  In my apartment.  Now what?

It was kind of funny, I admit.  We talked and basically just watched tv.  We watched Southpark, Chapelle's Show, and a little Who's line is it anyway?.  She only slept a few hours today, so she was yawning by ten thirty and about to fall asleep on my couch.  That's what I get for turning the heat up and turning the tv 

Anyway, it was nice.  And as she left she told me to call her again and we could hang out sometime when she wouldn't be falling asleep.

I think I'm going to ask her out.  I don't want to wait too long because I don't want to get stuck being just friends.  It may be to late already, but I at least want to get the idea out there now, and not a month from now when I know I've waited too long. 

We'll see.

CIA's Six "Secret" Interrogation Techniques

As of 2002, this is what we do to terror "suspects" who we think have important information.  Personally, I don't mind the first three.  But the last three bother me.  I don't care if we fight this war with the attitude of "the ends justifies the means" but lets be honest about it.  Most of these are torture.  Especially the last three.  Tell me what you think.

1. The Attention Grab: The interrogator forcefully grabs the shirt front of the prisoner and shakes him.

2. Attention Slap: An open-handed slap aimed at causing pain and triggering fear.

3. The Belly Slap: A hard open-handed slap to the stomach. The aim is to cause pain, but not internal injury. Doctors consulted advised against using a punch, which could cause lasting internal damage.

4. Long Time Standing: This technique is described as among the most effective. Prisoners are forced to stand, handcuffed and with their feet shackled to an eye bolt in the floor for more than 40 hours. Exhaustion and sleep deprivation are effective in yielding confessions.

5. The Cold Cell: The prisoner is left to stand naked in a cell kept near 50 degrees. Throughout the time in the cell the prisoner is doused with cold water.

6. Water Boarding: The prisoner is bound to an inclined board, feet raised and head slightly below the feet. Cellophane is wrapped over the prisoner's face and water is poured over him. Unavoidably, the gag reflex kicks in and a terrifying fear of drowning leads to almost instant pleas to bring the treatment to a halt.

All of this comes from an ABC article I found online.

Monday, December 5, 2005

Bad, bad mood

Mama says banner adds are the Devil.

I had planned a rather long and in depth entry.  I have not done one of those in a while.  But I'm in the worst mood to write it, and I just want to sleep a few hours before I go to work. 

So anyway, I'm finished with classes.  I've got my first exam Thursday in my philosophy class.  I'm going to call Stephanie tomorrow to see when she wants to get together to study. 

Oh, and about that long and in depth entry, don't let me forget to tell you about Julie.  It's a long story that goes all the way back to the eighth grade.  Teaser:  She was my first girlfriend, and I ran into her again last night.

Robert's Picks

I'm reading:  At All Costs by David Weber (excellent)

I'm listening to:  Johnny Cash The Legend of Johnny Cash (excellent)

My dvd pick this week:  Scarface (excellent)

Sunday, December 4, 2005

Tons of Suckage

Surgeon General's Warning:  Clicking on banner adds may lead to the developement of brain tumors.

Heehee.  Anyway.

Work has really sucked.  Friday night was by far the worst.  We got in 25 pallets of frieght (20 pallets is considered a very heavy night).  It sucked because we had so much and because the truck, which is supposed to arrive at 10:00 PM, got there at half past midnight.  Tonight wasn't any more fun.  We only got 15 pallets, but they didn't arrive until 1:30 this morning.  Usually I would be able to use the time before the truck arrived to relax and work a little overstock (stuff that hadn't gone out on previous nights).  Instead, the boss decided to drop 5 pallest of overstock on me to work through.  Lucky I had help.  We did all that and then worked our two new pallets.

My back is killing me.  I have not been sleeping much because I've been really caught up in Knife of Dreams, which I am about to go finish.  But things should be okay soon.  I only have one class tomorrow and then classes end.  Then I'll take my exams and be finished.  Next semester I'm only taking two classes, so that will relieve some stress, I think. 

My birthday is getting closer and closer, and I still have no real idea about what I want to do.  I kind of just wish I had someone special I could spend the day with, but that's not going to happen.  I'm debating just going it alone or spending time with friends.  I'm not sure which I want to do. 

You know, for the last few months I really have begun to hate my life.  I need to find something to put some joy into it.  Something.

Thursday, December 1, 2005

I always did work well under pressure...

I have two papers due today.  I wrote one yesterday morning.  It was for my philosophy class, Race, Class, and Gender.  I think it was really good.  I wrote about pornography of all things.  I probably could have done better, but I'm pleased with the result.  Just for the record, I don't believe in censoring anything unless it puts someone's life at immediate risk. 

I also wrote a paper for my World History class this morning.  It will serve it's purpose, which is to make sure I pass the class with a decent grade.  Other than that, I'm not happy with it.  I just didn't like the subject, which was court life in Heian Japan (this is before Japanese history really gets interesting).  I'm just glad it is over. 

The only thing that is really going to suck about today is sitting through all of my classes.  I missed them all Tuesday because of the funeral.  At least I've got a decent excuse this time.  I had planned on going to all of them, but the funeral was earlier than I had thought.  My suit went over well, by the way, although I do need to have the pants cuffed.  They're a little longer than I thought.

I'm just killing time right now before class starts.  I've got about an hour and half.  I don't know what to do.  I guess I could eat.  I have not done that since three this morninng when I woke up. 

I've got to go to work tonight.  I don't want to, but on the up side I get paid.  I could have picked up my check last night.  I was going to, in fact, but I was too tired.  I couldn't fall asleep like I wanted and so only got an hour of what was supposed to be four hours of sleep before I went to pick it up.

Only two more weeks until my birthday.  I was kind of excited about it the last couple of days.  Now, whatever...I don't really care all that much.  I do and I don't.  It's weird.  I just don't know what I am going to do.  The only thing I am really looking forward to is getting my pistol license back and being able to buy ammo.  I'll be able to go get some target practice in, finally.