Thursday, November 3, 2005

Who else is afraid of being alone?

I really do fear being alone.  I don't want to be alone.  I don't want to be left out.  But I feel that way.  Especially right now.  I feel like I'm the only person in the world.  It's so quiet.  There is noise, my jeans in the dryer, someone walking back and forth upstairs, but there are no real human sounds.  No voices, no laughter.  It's nerve wracking.

Some people find this kind of silence relaxing, but it just makes me nervous.  I want to be around people, even if I'm not talking to them or interacting with them.  I guess that's why I've always liked cities.  I never truly like to be alone.  I like to share my solitude with one person.  Just one.  That kind of solitude gives two people the chance to really concentrate on each other. 

Damn, I think I am going to try and get a few hours of sleep.  Maybe this feeling of unease will pass.  I hope so.  I really hate it.  I need an escape.  I've been reading a lot to take my mind off my worries and fears, and it helps, but sometimes it is just not enough.  Sometimes I just can't concentrate.

I'm tired, and lonely.  Yes, I'm very lonely.  And I have no idea what to do about it. 

Heather called me a little while ago.  She wanted to tell me she had enjoyed reading On the Road.  She said she was a little mad that I left her hanging at the end, though.  She wants more.  Well, that is the point, after all.  Always leave them wanting more.  I think I am going to follow up with a 'what happens next' story, and maybe just keep building on that story by story. 

I'm glad she liked it, anyway.  Maybe the editor at Blackgate will too.  That would be nice.  In the meantime, I'll just keep on doing what I'm doing.

2 comments:

jhileb said...

on the road......jack kerouac.....man i loved that book! i also loved henry rollins personal version while touring with black flag. get in the van.  reminded me of kerouac but updated obviously.   great stuff.....i think you'd like angry hank...maybe not so much now, but when he was younger.  you actually remind me of him somewhat.

yeah fear of being lonely/alone...i used to be that way...but somewhere between years of disappointment and being backstabbed and doublecrossed, etc...i learned to enjoy my own company.  i tend to prefer to be alone.  not always, but most of the time.  it's good though to learn how to enjoy your own company. anyways..........

man you update constantly....sorry to throw my thoughts this late on the subject, but i can't keep up with you....your a typing/writing machine!:)  keep it up though, you have a definite talent for writing.

j.h.


rampage841512 said...

I've even been giving Ave a run for her money..lol.

"If you want to be a writer, you must do two things above all others:  read a lot and write a lot."
-Stephen King, in "On Writing"
Not my favorite writer by a long shot, but he knows his stuff, and he has the bank account to prove it.