Tuesday, November 29, 2005

I want to....

I want to die.  I want to cry.  I want to fight.  I want to kill.  I want to rip someone apart.  I want to slice through someone throat with the serrated edge of my Spyderco knife.  I want to see what the hollow points loaded in my .45 will do to someones body.

I want things to go my way.  I want to love someone who loves me back.  I want to find someone who can make all the pain go away and stay away.  I want to be loved back.  I would settle for the pain to stop and the emptiness inside to go away. 

You find yourself wondering if eating a bullet just might solve your problems.  But in the end you know you're too much of a coward to actually do it.  You're so afraid of hurting someone or missing out on something.  But what? 

What is it that holds me here?  If I can have so much faith and hope that things will be good one day, then why can't I have faith in God?  Why am I like this?  Why can't I just move on and get over it?  Why can't I make the pain go away? 

It's because no matter what, I still love her.  I still want her.  And I would forgive her anything.  If she loved me, nothing else would matter. 

This shouldn't have happened.  I should have done something to stop it a long time ago.  I shouldn't have done this to myself.  I don't want to feel this pain anymore.  But I don't know how to make it stop.  I don't know how.

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