Monday, October 17, 2005

Out of control

I feel so out of control.  I start thinking of Stephanie and I get so down I just want to die.  It's horrible.  And then it gets to the point that I have to find some form of distraction, and I throw myself into it, to the exclusion of all else.  But it's fleeting, and soon I'm thinking of Stephanie again.  And the cycle starts all over. 

In the end, time and again, I keep coming back to Stephanie.  I don't know if I'm stupid, stubborn, or just insane.  Maybe it's all three.  I just can't bring myself to let go.  I clutch onto everything wonderful I feel about her even though it burns me.  I keep wondering if I am the machinery of my own destruction.  

Every single time I make the slightest headway something happens and I come crashing back down again.  I'm broken, and I don't have a clue how I can fix myself. 

Is it selfish of me to want Stephanie to love me the way I love her?  Because it feels that way.  I feel guilt because I want it so much, but I can't stop wanting it. 

I believe in something.  I call it honor.  Do I compromise my honor my not letting go?  Or would letting go be an even worse blow to my honor?

I don't have any answers.  I keep wondering if I'm a fool.  You see, I trust people.  I refuse to believe in a world that doesn't allow trust.  Without trust, I can never have what I need, and what I want so much. 

Yet, almost every single time I've allowed myself to trust I've been hurt.  Sometimes it's only a little hurt, and sometimes it's a terrible pain.  And everytime a little bit of my soul is stripped away.  Every time there is less and less.  That which makes me who I am is dying inside of me.  Yet if I protect that part of me by refusing to trust, then I've killed it just as sure as anyone else.  So what do I do?

I don't know how to overcome this.  The hope is that in time I will be okay, and that this will all have faded away.  A time when I won't remember this anymore except as a vague, dark time in my life.  Believe it or not, I'm afraid of that more than anything.  I don't want to forget Stephanie.  I don't  want her to fade away. It will be like she is dead to me, and I don't want that.  I don't want to believe that one day I'm going to run into someone else who is going to make me forget her and not care about her anymore. 

Every time I see her, or think of her, I know I don't want to live in a world where she doesn't matter to me.  I don't want to live in a world where I am indifferent to her.  I don't want to live in a world where I hate her.  I don't want to live in a world where I have ripped her out of my heart so that the place that used be hers is just a numb spot, like a limb that has been cut off with only a vague shadow of what was remaining. 

I'm afraid of looking back on this time as just an embarrassing blip in my life.  I feel like I'll look back and see a time when I went insane.  But I'm afraid that if I ever believe that then I will have given up to true insanity.  If a crazy person believes he is sane, then does sanity become insanity?

I'm so afraid of what the future will bring.  I only want it to bring me one thing.  I don't have any doubt what so ever that I will survive.  What I'm afraid of is what I'll do to myself in order to survive.  I'm afraid of what I'll give up.  The only way to get over her is to change the way I see her.  I'll have to make her someone I couldn't possible want, someone beneath my notice.  Someone I despise. 

And she doesn't deserve that.  And I don't deserve to have to do that to someone I love. 

8 comments:

oneluckycharm365 said...

Ok - I know I don't really know your whole situation or anything or even you for that matter, so in that respect I know i don't have any room to say anything.  But i'm concerned so i have to.  I know that nothing anyone says is going to make a huge difference.  I know that you probably know that this is something that you're going to have to figure out on your own.  But it does seem like you're trying to force the issue on yourself and assuming all of the possibilities of how you'll feel later on, which is probably because you're tired of being plagued by it.  I don't blame you.  And you can OVERthink things.  This might sound like a stupid question - but as i said, since i don't know the background - have you told her recently just how strongly you feel about her??  I mean.....you might have before but muted it or something to that affect.  Maybe you should give the both of you a chance.  But like i said before......your own decision.  I just don't want you to do something.........not so great........with this frame of mind you seem to be in.  

oneluckycharm365 said...

P.S. - I'm sorry if my opinion offends or aggravates you.  People do care about how you feel and are therefore worried/concerned.

rampage841512 said...

I do appreciate the concern.  However, I must point out that while I let my thoughts wonder here I am far to stubborn to kill myself or someone else.  I don't give up so easily.  

You asked if I've told her how strongly I felt recently, and the answer is no.  I've never quite told her at all.  I've thought about it, but I'm not sure if it is a good idea.  If you want the whole story, I suggest going to my archives and reading my entries from August to the present.  That will give you the whole story.  Some of them are audio entries, so you can listen too.  I do caution you that there is quite a bit though.

oneluckycharm365 said...

Well, then I'm glad to hear it.  I just wanted to make sure.  :-)  I don't make assumptions (or at least try not to) or judge - i just listen....or, in this case, read.....and say what I see.  I'm definitely relieved to hear....i mean...see....that. lol

jhileb said...

i agree with lucky charms:) and i'll add ....say how you feel to her.  at the very least you won't have to wonder "what if" down the road...take it from me.....i made that mistake years ago, and it still plagues me.  enough about me though. better to know and face the worst outcome than to wonder "what if"?  

off topic:  this is a wonderfully written entry.  very moving....you have quite a talent of expressing your pain/angst in words.  very impressive stuff, imo.

j.h.


rampage841512 said...

Well, at least I know what kind of story to write for that college writers' contest...

I want to tell her.  I really do.  But I'm so afraid.

oneluckycharm365 said...

Well...as one of our most famous presidents said: There is nothing to fear but fear itself.  Why not apply that to your situation?  After all - you did say - what do you have to lose? At least then you'll know.  And plus, if she's as good of a friend as you've said she is and all then everything should be ok.  And maybe she's waiting on you........didn't you say something once about she was just waiting on you to ask her out all that time ago?

autumnsavril said...

Hey lucky charm . . . just to let you know . . . you don't have to keep adding qualifiers to your comments, or apologies.  Robert is made of sterner stuff than that, and if you offend him (which isn't likely), he'll let ya know.  And you can shout right back.  :P

Yes, J., doesn't angst and sorrow make writers write their best?  And isn't it depressing, Robert, that that should be the case?

I wrote all my best stuff while I was going through that drama/angst stuff as a teen . . . unfortunately, all the stuff I wrote was melodramatic and angsty.  lol

Robert, you have written all this before in some way or another, but as J said (not in these words), you wrote this particular entry eloquently and articulately.  :)

I know it's the "in" thing to do to tell someone how you feel, and in most cases, I agree to that.  But I also say that you should take a moment to think of exactly how much you want to say and how you want to say it, because there will be consequences, good or bad, for the things you say and the way it's presented.  Just my bit of wisdom.

Yes, there will be the relief of knowing the answer for good, but having kept up with the whole Stephanie saga, I understand that keeping some of her with you is very important to you.  I urge you to think for yourself and come to a decision that you think will benefit you the most.  Do you risk what you have, possibly coming out the better and possibly coming out the worse, or do you keep what you have, never knowing whether you'd be better or worse off for telling her?  Not an easy decision to make.

Sometimes telling everything is not the best way to go, even though I am all for it and it is the hip thing to do.

Luck.

Avril