Sunday, September 18, 2005

I know

I know exactly what Stephanie means to me.  Every time I try to tell myself she is just another in a long line of blah blah....I find myself laughing bitterly and saying, "You damned fool."  Because she is not just the next in a long line of whatever.  She's something different.  She makes me feel like everyone I ever had feelings for in the past were just candle flames compared to her bon fire. 

She is the only person who has done what she does to me.  She's is the only one who has ever made be feel quite like this.  I don't really understand it all.  I just know that when I'm with her all my worries and fears just kind of fade.  I feel good just being near her, and talking to her.  But that goes out the window if Jeremy is there.  Then all I feel is bitterness, except for rare moments.  I guess I'm afraid that he might someday be there all the time.  I know that's crazy, but it's a fear. 

For a moment Saturday night she cut through all the distance that grows up between us when other people are around.  She hugged me, and I hugged her back.  And she told me I was one of her best friends.  And for that short moment everything was okay.  I didn't feel that need to keep a distance for proprieties sake.  We were just comfortable with each other like we've always been.  If we can somehow chip away that distance and always be like that no matter what it might just be alright.

A lot of it is me.  I'm going to have to give up a little bit of the self-imposed distance I put on myself when I see her and Jeremy together.  I've done it because I convinced myself it was the right thing to do.  But I shouldn't let it get in the way of the friendship.  Some things will always make me uncomfortable about them being together.  Some of them will still make me feel like I'm about to black out.  Some are going to make me sick to my stomach.  Somehow I've got to work through it.

I'm so frustrated.  I'm so confused.  I'm so in fucking love.  This shit isn't supposed to hurt so God damned much.  I'm in love, I should be fucking happy.  I read to many God damned books with happy fucking endings.  My idealism is going to kill me.


jhileb said...

i have been following along on the "stephanie" saga.  hit and miss so i may have missed a few entries.  after this entry all i can say based on what i have read is....i don't like this jeremy guy.  maybe i'm off on my interpretation of your entries? feel free to straighten me out, if needed?  speaking generally, not so much on this saga....i also hate, hate how "the best" girls seem to be attracted to jerks/assholes...and then the jerk has his fun and runs off and leaves the girl to fall back in the nice guys arms to pick up the pieces and deal with the "baggage".

i think you should kick this jeremy guys ass and sweep stephanie off her feet and live happily ever after.:) my "hollywood" version to make you feel better.  just kidding around...but i understand everything you have posted in this saga.


rampage841512 said...

Believe me, there is very little that keeps his face intact.  All I need is the smallest excuse.  He fucks up, I fuck him up.  He is an asshole.  You're completely right on that score.  If he hurts her I'll be there to pick up the pieces, but I'll also be paying him a visit with my Slugger.

autumnsavril said...

Considering the little I know, I don't think he *can* hurt her.  If anything, I think it'll be the other way around.  From what you've said here, seems like Stephanie is the one who is just there for fun.

So I don't think you'll need to worry about that.


autumnsavril said...

And, by the way J., yes, the best girls do fall for jerks, as they are often too sweet-natured to understand that the jerk is just . . . well, just jerking her around.  Ya know?

I've also realized, though, that a jerk can be any guy who simply didn't fulfill the girl's wishes, and I think sometimes the categorization is just unfair.  Just cause a girl gets hurt doesn't mean the guy did anything wrong.