Friday, August 19, 2005

Work Sucks

I got about four hours of sleep, but when I woke up I was still really, really tired.  I did not feel like going in to work at all.  So I sat around and thought about it for a little while and decided I was going to call in.  I called and talked to my boss he reminded me that one of the WalMart big-wigs is coming in this morning to give our store a once over.  So he basically shamed me into coming into work. He even told me I could work half the night and leave, but I knew that would never happen.  So I'm going to finish my work as quickly as possible and get the hell out of there.

I did a lot of stuff Wednesday that I never really talked about because I called Stephanie to try and find out what the hell was going on before I went nuts.  So I thought I talk about that a little bit.  I went out to breakfast at Cracker Barrel, and then I drove to the Sheriff's station to pick up an application for pistol license.  After that I went by the bank and cashed some savings bonds to pay my tuition and buy my school books.  I actually will probably have enough money to pay for another full semester too, so I'm really happy about that.  I was on my way home from all that when I called Stephanie that, and you know what happened then.

Like I said in my audio entry, things don't seem to have gotten weird between me and Stephanie, which I think is good.  We talked a little bit about the whole situation, but only a little.  She told me to call her, and I said that I would later today.  Today I knew she would be pretty busy (it's her sister's birthday) so I decided that calling her last night probably would have only resulted in me leaving another voicemail.

There is a lot I want to say to her, and a few things I want to ask her.  I don't know what she wants in relationship, and I need to know.  If she wants what I want, which is something serious that has meaning, then I want to risk it.  If she doesn't want that, then it's probably not a good idea.  I don't want to get involved knowing it's not going to have any future.  We need to talk about that.  Like I said, this isn't some girl I met yesterday, we've known each other for a while.  If maybe our end goals are the same, then I think we should go out on a few dates and see how things go. 

There are a lot of other things too.  She told me she's horrible in relationships, and that she always messes them up.  I want to ask her why that happens.  In my opinion, and I could be completely wrong, it's because she doesn't let herself feel anything for anyone she gets involved with.  And if that's the case, I think I know a possible reason for it.  I think someone hurt her, badly, and she doesn't want to take that chance again.  I suspect all of this because of things she's said, and because of things we've talked about in the past.  I want her to know I won't hurt her, and that she can take a chance with me. 

I just hope I'm right.  It could very well be that she just isn't interested in a serious relationship.  But she told me she doesn't want to get involved with me because she doesn't want to screw it up and lose me completely.  That means she cares, to some extent anyway.  I don't want her to be afraid to care more.  I know this is all crazy logic, but it's my only hope here.  So we'll see.  I'll deal with this however the cards fall.

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