Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Humdinger

I just returned home from my class today, and I'm feeling a little...well, I don't know what.  Here's the deal. 

When I was getting off the interstate near my apartment complex I saw the smoke from a fire and some fire trucks and cop cars and what not.  It turns out a car caught on fire somehow.  I called Jennifer to tell her about it. 

While we were talking Jeremy inevitably got brought up.  His very existence offends me.  Jennifer thinks I need to get over it and bury the axe.  But how can I?  This may not seem like a big deal to either of them, but to me it is.  It's not even about Stephanie.   Like I said before, she was just the catalyst of the issue between me and Jeremy.  The main issue comes down to the fact that I considered him a friend and trusted him.  Now that he has proven twice that I can't trust him I can not ever consider him a friend again.  It just isn't going to happen.

On top of that there is Stephanie.  And because she it part of the issue, and because of what went down, I not only don't want to be his friend or ever see him again, I think I hate him.  His very name pisses me off.  The thought of forgiving makes me sick. 

Jennifer says I'll have to learn to be in the same room with him, but I don't know if I can do that.  It's not that easy.  I want hurt to him.  I won't deny that.   I don't know how to put my rage behind me.  If his name pisses me off, what will seeing him do?  I told John and Jennifer that if I saw him I'd probably hit him.  That still seems like the most likely course of action. 

I told them it would be best me and Jeremy didn't associate.  That still seems like the most peaceful course of action, but I wonder if it the best.  It's certainly not the most satisfying.  Then again, if my revenge cost me my friends what how will that satisfaction taste? 

Okay, Mr. Devil's Advocate ask:  "But if you hardly every see your friends because of him anyway, haven't you already lost them?"  Hmmm, now that's a humdinger, isn't it?  Welcome to my Catch-22.  The Mexican Standoff. 

I don't know how to remedy this situation.  Do I swallow my pride and put it behind me?  I don't know if I can do that.  I'm a very proud person.  I demand honesty and respect fromthose who would be my friends.  Nothing less will do.  I'm willing to forgive a whole lot, but this is not something I am even slightly enclined to forgive.  I wouldn't do it for Stephanie (she asked), and I sincerely doubt I'll do it for John and Jennifer.  The only other person to do it for is myself.  And myself doesn't want it.

Oh, I wouldn't mind having him beg me to forgive him, but that isn't going to happen.  I really don't think he cares what I think.  That's no friend.  And I don't forgive those who aren't my friends.  Why would I?  In this world there are for types of people excluding yourself:  friends, potential friends, enemies, and potential enemies.  Jeremy isn't a friend, and he's way past the potential stage.  So that leaves "enemy."  I don't name a person enemy lightly, and I'm not yet naming him one.  I'm just trying to lay out the situation for you, Constant Reader. 

Right now he is a non-person to me.  He's dead.  But if he slights me in some way he will move quickly into that enemy stage.  I remember all of my enemies in life.   I intend to repay them all one day, somehow. 

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