Sunday, August 21, 2005

Guilt

I refuse to be guilty about wanting more.  Every time a person out there wants something more and feels tore up when they can't get it people tend to get angry with them.  They say things like, "Look at all the things you have that others don't."  Well, I'm sorry I have things that others don't, but I won't feel bad for wanting more.  Why should I ever feel bad about wanting to be happy?

I've accomplished a lot in my life, but it doesn't compare to what I've failed to accomplish.  I've got a long way to go still, and what it comes down to is that I don't want to keep going it alone.  I made it through high school and into to college with little to no support from anyone.  About the only thing that kept me going was that I wanted to prove the statistics wrong.  I wanted to prove that I could do it all by myself. 

But I can't anymore.  I'm slipping.  I've felt it for a while.  I keep asking myself if it all matters.  No matter how much I do, no matter how far I go it will all be for nothing if I'm alone at the end.  That's what my whole life has been about.  I mean it.  From childhood I've been struggling with lonliness.  I've overcome it as much as I can, but I'm at a point in my life where I can't escape into books or tv anymore.  I need to connect with someone.  I need to share this experience that is life with someone.

I want that connection to be with Stephanie.  I think that I've got the best chance of having something meaningful with her.  And you know what?  I've felt that way from the first moment I saw her.  I've been avoiding saying that for so long because I didn't want anyone to think I was crazy.  But from the first moment I saw her I felt something.  It wasn't 'love at first sight' or something that far out there, but it was something.  Something clicked.  Something told me, "With this girl, you've got a chance."  I swear, those are literally the words that went through my head the first time I saw her. 

And it just always seemed like fate through us back together again and again.  I didn't expect to see her again after our first class together.  Then three months later there she was.  Yeah, coincidence.  I know.  And I don't know.  After the second class, I told her we'd probably never see each other again and she was a little surprised I said that.  And from then on we made sure we would see each other. 

Maybe it's only meant to be friendship, but, like I said in the audio entries, I think this is one of the best, and maybe the best, opportunities of my life.  I don't want to pass it up and regret it for the rest of my life.  I have to know. 

Bear in mind that there is a lot more to this story than I can every get into one or a hundred entries.  There are so many things that make me think and feel the way I do.  I can only ask that you trust me that I'm not doing what I'm doing for the wrong reasons.  I have my own doubts to struggle with.  I don't need more.  I might be breaking the Wizard's First Rule, but I could be doing the same thing if I went the other way.  The rule says we'll believe a lie because either we want too, or because we are afraid it is true.  What I want, and what I'm afraid of are exact opposites.  So I'm stuck.  I have only my own instincts and reasoning to guide me in this. 

Once again, I'm left all alone.  But ultimately, we're all alone when it comes to making the important decisions, aren't we?

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